Separating Feeling Hungers from Feeding Hungers

We have all been there. Waiting in the grocery store check-out line when a young child sees a candy bar with shiny wrapping and in the blink of a reflex, reaches out to grab it. They see it. They want it. And just as quickly as their hand touches the wrapper their parent reaches down, removes their sticky grip on the treat, and says some version of “Not today honey.” or “We don’t need any candy right now.” and BOOM.

The child erupts in abject terror and tantrum. As children, often the very notion that we can’t have what we want, when we want it, is horrifying and incredibly painful. Tears, shrieking, and if they can, writhing on the floor. It’s the end of their world as they know it, at least for that few minutes. Not getting what they want is unthinkable.

This is one of the most powerful teaching moments I use in my work. I share this common scene again again because I want to talk about how this often plays out when we’re adults:

1. We disconnect from the hunger. If we can’t satisfy it, better to not even feel it, right? :: “I don’t want a partner, I’m happy being single” (Sometimes true, but sometimes a cover up for a hunger we can’t satisfy at the moment.)

2. We over do it. If we can’t have it right now, then later on we have it times ten. :: “Fuck it. I’m eating the whole bag.”

3. We think not now means not ever. :: “That ship has sailed. I need to just make do.”

4. We conflate our self-worth with what we can’t have in the moment. :: “I didn’t get the job because I’m not enough!”

5. We become the mother at the grocery store, always denying our adult selves what we want, BUT because we hate feeling denied so much we make denial the norm and become numb to it. :: “I don’t eat carbs...EVER.”

None of these scenarios leaves us feeling particularly well-fed.

When we can separate out our awareness of our hunger and taking any particular action towards it a lot of possibilities open up to us.

Feeling our hungers is separate from satiating them. Let me say that again.

Feeling our hungers is separate from satiating them.

We must be able to breathe around our hungers. Give them space. Be curious about them. We must do this if we are ever to satiate them. If we rush from feeling to satiating, we often fail to identify the true hunger at all. Desperation, grasping, and hurrying are an invitation to notice what is making the present moment (wherein true hungers are identified) so uncomfortable to be in.

When we're young, wanting and having are so enmeshed that their isn’t space to take a breath between them. And as adults we don’t often cultivate this space, even though it’s available to us and so very useful. Simply put, one of the main reasons for all of our seemingly peculiar responses to the momentary denial of our desires is that as adults we don’t hold feeling our hungers and fulfilling our hungers as separate acts.

S L O W d o w n..

Our hungers are patient.

Our hungers simply want to be seen, heard, and cared about.

If you're exhausted at the end of the day, attempting to give your 4 year-old twins a bath and you feel a deep hunger for _______, and there isn't time or energy at the moment, instead of shoving the hunger away, simply say to your hunger"I see you. I hear you. You matter to me. I will feed you as soon as I can. I won't forget you."

Our hungers trust us. (It's us that too often doesn't trust them).

If you're aware that you're hungry for _______, but you have no idea how to feed it, simply say to your hunger"I see you. I hear you. You matter to me. I will spend time thinking about how to feed you. I won't give up on you or us."

You aren't the desperate child anymore. In a just few breaths you have all the space you need to check in with yourself, to dialogue with your hungers, and then, and only then, to decide how to proceed in feeding them. First things first.

Primary Hungers

What are you TRULY hungry for?

No, really. I know I ask this question of you a lot.

But please pause. breathe. ask it again. What is it you are TRULY hungry for?

Emphasis on the TRULY.

Here are a few things I hear from women: “weightloss.” “1,000 more readers for my blog.” “date night with my husband.”

There’s nothing wrong with these desires, but they aren’t what I call true hungers. These are secondary hungers. True hungers are primal and can be fed in many ways, not just through the single door of the secondary hunger we may have identified. In fact, this is why so many women are hungry. They go to feed the secondary hunger without addressing the core primary hunger and are often left unsatisfied because the secondary hunger isn’t what they want after all.

For example. If a woman desires for weightloss, her primary hunger may be to feel good in her body, or to feel vital, or for companionship (if she believes weightloss is a prerequisite). The primary hunger below a desire for weightloss can be a multitude of things. And, importantly, she can feed the primary hunger without, in this example, ever losing weight. Yes, you read that right. We can feel great in our bodies, feel vital, and have companionship without losing a pound.

If a woman desires 1,000 more readers for her blog, the primary hunger might be for recognition, or it might be to feel a part of a community, or it might be for approval. All of which can be fed without hitting a thousand. If a woman desires a date night with her husband, perhaps the primary hunger is connection, or physical touch, or intimacy, or play, or communion and so forth. It’s not to say she can’t lose weight, get 1,000+ readers, and have endless dates with her man, it’s to say she doesn’t need these things to satisfy the primary hungers and that’s what counts.

This practice of digging deeper is essential to being well-fed. We must look under the covers, peel back the layers, and expose what wants to be fed. Geneen Roth beautifully says, “Love is love and food is food” because love is often the primary hunger that people attempt to satisfy with food, a secondary and mismatched desire. I started this informal, certainly-not-complete, list of primary hungers to help get you thinking. These are all possible answers to the magic question “What are you TRULY hungry for?”

Abundance, Adventure, Affection, Beauty, Belonging, Carbohydrates, Change, Clarity, Cleanliness, Collaboration, Comfort, Connection to community, Connection to family, Connection to nature, Connection to one’s body, Connection to one’s Self, Connection to others, Connection to The Divine/god, Cooling, Crafting, Creativity, Dancing, Energy, To know one’s enoughness, Fat, Food, Friendship, Gathering, Intimacy, Joy, Laughter, Learning/Comprehension, Love, Meaning, Movement, Music, Nature, Permission, Play, Protein, Purpose, Quiet, Recognition/Being seen, Restoration, Ritual, Salt, Satiation, Security/Safety, Sex, Singing, Spaciousness, Speaking/Communicating, Stillness, Stimulation, Structure, To adorn, To feel good, To just be, To let go, Touch, Tradition, Truth, Vitality, Warmth, Water, White space.

Once you've narrowed in on a primary hunger (and it certainly doesn't have to come from this list), be with it.

Ask yourself - What does this hunger feel like? What images come to mind when I think of feeding this? How many different ways can I imagine there are to feed this hunger?

Just for today, consider feeding the hunger below the hunger.

Emotional Auto-Immune Diseases

Allergies. Rheumatoid Arthritis. Lupus. Crohn’s Disease. Eczema. Type 1 Diabetes. Do you or someone you know have one of these conditions? Mostly likely yes. Those of us in the developed world are plagued by these and other autoimmune diseases.

Autoimmune diseases occur when our own immune system fails to recognize a part of our own tissues or cells as part of us, and instead sees it as a foreign enemy. Attacking. These are cases of mistaken identity. We become our own enemy when in reality, we’re not.

I wonder though why we don’t have a classification for emotional autoimmune disorders? I’ve rarely met a human being who didn’t suffer emotionally from confusing themselves with the enemy, and following suit with attack.

Both physical and emotional autoimmune diseases are equally misguided attempts to protect ourselves. Our immune system thinks it’s helping. Emotionally speaking, we so often think that if we shame ourselves, judge our hungers, and self-loathe that we’re making ourselves somehow better or safer. We speak to ourselves with disparagement because we want to be loved or just liked. We mistrust our hungers because we fear that feeding them will make us unlovable or judged by others. We all have our own best interest at heart it’s just that our emotional immune system too often gets confused and thinks that we are the enemy of our self. I may not be a doctor and I don’t know much about treating Lupus or Crohn’s Disease, but I do know a few tricks to get us on the road to recovery from an emotional autoimmune disease.

1. Practice seeing ourselves as an ally and not the enemy.

2. Know that any internal voice that is not kind, loving, or compassionate towards us is not speaking the truth.

3. Know that when we emotionally attack ourself our deeper intentions are good. We want the best for ourselves. We want to be safe and somewhere along the way various sorts of self-attacks appeared the path to get there. They aren’t.

4. Healing depends on our willingness to practice. We must notice our attacks, however subtle or seemingly harmless, and practice ending them without judgement. Notice. Let go. Make peace. Notice. Let go. Make peace. Mess-up. Start again. Notice. Let go. Make peace.

Cake for Breakfast

“Do you see a distinction between healthy hungers and unhealthy hungers?” a podcast host asked me years ago.

“Give me an example of an unhealthy hunger?” I said.

“Like, I’m hungry in the morning and so yes, I am going to have that cake, I want the whole thing!” she replied with a slightly giddy laugh at the thought of this devious act.

I smiled and said “I don’t think cake for breakfast is a bad thing. Are you connecting or disconnecting? Are you moving closer to your Self or farther away from your Self?"

That's the difference between a one hunger and another hunger: does it move you closer or further away from your Self? Does it connect you to your Self or disconnect you from your Self?”

It’s that simple. And, yes, it’s that complex...in that you can’t just follow prescribed rules of good foods and bad foods. Or good portion sizes and bad portion sizes. Or good times to eat and bad times to eat. Or good cooking methods and bad cooking methods. Or good food sources and bad food sources.

You have stay present. You have to listen inward. You have to remove judgement’s place at the table. Is this hunger moving me towards my Self or away? Listen. Ask. Allow. Allow. Allow. Feed yourself.

There is no reason that cake for breakfast can’t be the most nourishing act in the world.

This applies, of course, to hungers for things other than food. Hungers to quit your job. Hungers to buy something shiny and new. Hungers to be with friends. Hungers to be intimate. Hungers to wait. Hungers to go. Hungers to stay. Hungers to run away. or towards.

Which direction are you moving?